white dots stick to the window
train tracks are empty outside
the fridge, it hums and the cars roar below
but we are protected, inside.
the sink is quiet and empty
light streaming in means I'm awake
the curtains, they glow with shadows unknown
but we're safe here in Washington State.
he's in the room down the hall
and I'm stowed away in the kitchen
outside, the leaves start to fall
and in here our story is written
the sun will decide that it's tired
and soon we'll have something to eat
the calm life's so nice and we'll surely delight
when we cuddle later in the sheets.
17 september 2012
Hello Gabby,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting your poetry :) I think your like for fiction is implied by the title you chose; it’s a good thing, because I think that also implies you are writing with a distinct voice. Style or perspective can potentially be a strong attribute that shows through in fiction and poetry.
This is our first narrative workshop poem and I like the form of this one. Possibly due to the other lyrical poems (and that rebellious Indie avoidance of punctuation) I’ve seen in the workshop, the first thing I notice about “the unassuming life” is its structure; four symmetrical stanzas with well-balanced lines. I appreciate the attention to structural detail, and the writing seems to be complimented by that sense of containment. I see also, that the poem has minimal punctuation. Commas are in fact used, including a final period at the end of the poem. The avoidance of stereotypical punctuation can also be associated with the lack of capitalization that is prominent in the poem which includes the title. I’m not sure whether you read the “inspirations and writing tools” post, but I mentioned utilizing the environment around you and focusing on the corporeal senses. I think this poem does just that; it begins with observations and small events that are occurring around the speaker. The first stanza seems to discuss the speaker’s appreciation for a sense of security and emphasizes his or her place of existence—“protected, inside” (4), which might reference in general, “Washington State” (8). The third line, “the fridge, it hums and the cars roar below” (3) and the other domestic references to “the sink” (5), “the curtains” (7), and “down the hall” (9) seems to me, to specifically point out the setting of a house or apartment with a receptive speaker in that space. With these observations, it is clear to me that the speaker’s attention is drawn to the things in his or her environment. There is a transition that occurs within each stanza, I notice. The first several lines of each stanza contemplate setting and environment then later focus on bringing sentient life into the picture:
the sink is quiet and empty
light streaming in means I’m awake
the curtains, they glow with shadows unknown
but we’re safe here in Washington State (5-8).
The tone of the poem is calm and due to the speaker’s receptive observations, seems to urge the reader to exist in the poem’s thoughtful space in the same manner. Observance can require a certain amount of silence to enable receptiveness and I think it is present in the poem. In the second stanza, the words “calm life’s” (15) and “quiet and empty” (5) are mentioned along with the “light streaming in” (6) which focus on a sense of silence and a lack of light in the room. I think those lines and other similarities imply a ‘gentle’ sort of existence and add to the overall tone of the poem. Certain words indicate a required awareness for different objects or corporeal experiences, but they don’t seem overly intrusive: the “fridge…hums” (3), “the leaves fall” (11), “the sun [decides]” (13) and even the speaker is momentarily “stowed away in the kitchen” (14). There is good contrast with stronger diction at the beginning of the poem, however: “white dots stick to the window” (1), and “the cars roar below” (3). Both the title and the first line of the last stanza utilize personification to animate an “unassuming life” and “the sun” that decides; I think these attributes, including the last few lines of the poem, create a somewhat playful persona. The unobtrusive nature of the content in the poem seems to carry over to the speaker’s observations—although most observations are considered to be subjective, I think the poem has successful descriptions with hints at objectivity.
Thanks again for sharing Gabby~ I enjoyed reading your poem. It is reminiscent of fall and makes me hopeful that Arizona will one day experience [actual cyclical seasons] nicer weather. I look forward to reading more of your poetry. :)
-Tara
Gabrielle,
ReplyDeleteIt was nice to meet you. I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it's great. I love the theme of it and the way it flows so nicely. I like your choice of words and how descriptive they are. I really like that you gave every thing in the story a personality. I agree with Tara, it seems very calm and relaxing. Like maybe you wrote while laying on a cloud, that you're inviting the reader to join you on as you observe the scene. Very nicely done, can't wait to read more and see you in class on Monday.
Interesting. I hadn't thought about the lack of peacefulness with the word choices of 'roar' and 'stick'; I wonder what I could have put there to maintain a more peaceful atmosphere within the text.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally - I can't wait for an actual fall. It's still too warm here, but it's hitting the high 60s starting tomorrow, supposedly. XD